2017 "Where's Fernando" Monaco Grand Prix

[Ataxia]

Next weekend, Formula 1 makes the journey to Monte-Carlo for the Monaco Grand Prix.

But what IS Monaco? Monaco is a principality which sits on the Côte d'Azur, which is French for "Azure Coast", or the "French Riviera" for those who don't know what "azure" is. Monaco is about 20km east of Nice, a city made almost entirely of slightly-coconutty biscuits, and has an area of 2.02 square kilometers, smaller than New York's Central Park.


A Nice biscuit, which forms 92% of the nearby city of Nice. Hence the name, obviously.

Monaco also famously has a casino, and the Monegasque (the denonym of Monaco, which sounds a lot classier than Monacish or Monacocopop. However, if you're a Monaco citizen but not born there, you're a Monacoian. #TheMoreYouKnow) government have banned the citizens of Monaco from gambling in it. This is to keep money in the country, and Theresa May should consider using a similar ethos when it comes to the local Paddy Power or Stan James.


Theresa May pretending to be human, on her way to putting on a five-fold accumulator for this weekend's Premier League games.

Monaco also has an employment rate of zero, although that may rise if Jolyon Palmer has another poor weekend.

The Monaco Grand Prix began in 1950, and it's considered so important to the F1 calendar that the Monaco government has its race fees subsidised. Journalists with a penchant for cliche frequently remark that the race has become Formula 1's "jewel in the crown", and it's easy to see why. A jewel in a crown looks pretty, but doesn't actually do anything. It's a metaphor, you see.

There are two notable absentees from this year's race. After taking part last year, Rio Haryanto will not be joining the 20-strong field on the grid in 2017, after not enough Indonesians texted in to save his career. Fernando Alonso is also not involved this year, because he's smart and realises ovals are better than Monte-Carlo.


Haryanto desperately tries to salvage his F1 dream.

This is the first race of the season in which drivers can select their own tyre compounds. Everybody has gone for just one set of the hardest soft tyres, apart from Jenson Button who returns this weekend against his will, presumably making this rebellious decision so McLaren don't ask him back.



In other news, Haas will also turn up at Monaco with a new livery. Deciding the red splashes were too extravagant, the American team have replaced with a different shade of grey, presumably having signed a sponsorship deal with domination-enthusiast EL James. This new scheme will help the team blend in more seamlessly into their environment, prompting the questions of whether the team has actually turned up, which Haas has missed since Esteban Gutierrez disappeared multiple times last year.



There will also be F2 that weekend, which brings its own unique brand of chaos. So yeah.

[watka]

We've had movie tie-ins in Monaco before, so why not 50 Shades Darker...

[Bobby Doorknobs]

The Monaco Grand Prix began in 1950,

*triggered*

[Peteroli34]

The Monaco Grand Prix began in 1950,

Thats one hell of a long Grand Prix

[WeirdKerr]

Over hyped and living on the legends of the past.... this year's race is going to crazy and chaotic with the wider cars, to be honest it outlived it's usefulness years ago and it's only there for tradition's sake

is what I said on a reply to a WTF1 facebook post and I stand by this opinion....

[Bobby Doorknobs]

I don't buy into the whole "overhyped" thing. From a spectator point of view, perhaps, but that's not what makes the event prestigious. It's still a significant challenge and the one Grand Prix most every driver wants to win almost as much as the world championship. There's more to factor in than just the entertainment value.

[Dj_bereta]

Button could escape from the last race DNF curse from the British drivers in this weekend if he finishes the race. And an unpopular opinion here. I liked the updated Haas livery but I still want the Kurt Busch livery: half red and half black.

[CoopsII]

For all the jokes about Button hoping for an early finish so he can get back to binge-watching The Walking Dead or whatever he must dearly want a decent result here. To be remembered as "the man who..."

[DemocalypseNow]

In other news, Haas will also turn up at Monaco with a new livery. Deciding the red splashes were too extravagant, the American team have replaced with a different shade of grey, presumably having signed a sponsorship deal with domination-enthusiast EL James. This new scheme will help the team blend in more seamlessly into their environment, prompting the questions of whether the team has actually turned up, which Haas has missed since Esteban Gutierrez disappeared multiple times last year.

This was overdue. Their previous livery had some indistinguishable red splotch on the sidepods - no idea what that was - and now it clearly has their own logo on it. They maybe went too far in removing so much of the red accents, but generally speaking it's gone in the right direction.

[good_Ralf]

I'm yet to see it from the side or back, but from the front the Haas livery looks fantastic, reminds me of the 2008 Williams.

[pasta_maldonado]

I'm yet to see it from the side or back, but from the front the Haas livery looks fantastic, reminds me of the 2008 Williams.

In other news, Haas will also turn up at Monaco with a new livery. Deciding the red splashes were too extravagant, the American team have replaced with a different shade of grey, presumably having signed a sponsorship deal with domination-enthusiast EL James. This new scheme will help the team blend in more seamlessly into their environment, prompting the questions of whether the team has actually turned up, which Haas has missed since Esteban Gutierrez disappeared multiple times last year.

This was overdue. Their previous livery had some indistinguishable red splotch on the sidepods - no idea what that was - and now it clearly has their own logo on it. They maybe went too far in removing so much of the red accents, but generally speaking it's gone in the right direction.

All you had to do was scroll up...

[good_Ralf]

All you had to do was scroll up...

Yes, I've seen that drawing (it looks fine) and it probably looks exactly the same as in real life but I'd rather see the cars on TV before making up my mind on whether I like the livery or not. Although I do admit that I can be quite unobservant on a lot of occasions

[Paul Hayes]

I know Button tends to be pretty philosophical about these things, but it's so frustrating that all that good work today is for naught.

Still, here's to a crazy race tomorrow and the hope he can scrap into the points, or at least finish. Hamilton trying to climb through the field might create some extra interest / carnage.

[Enforcer]

Still, here's to a crazy race tomorrow and the hope he can scrap into the points, or at least finish. Hamilton trying to climb through the field might create some extra interest / carnage.

Lewis' usual approach to being down the grid is to go on a divebombing spree which can create extra "interest" alright. I think he might have too much sense to try that at Monaco, though. There's also the fact he might simply not be able to get close enough to divebomb anyone with the increased dirty air effect.

Both McLarens in Q3 with lack of power being less of an issue at Monaco. Wonder what Alonso would've been able to do.

[went]

Shoutout to Sainz, who keeps asking for a better drive next year.

Also such a pity that Alonso isn't here, seeing how the McLaren is actually working here, but he would have started last anyway. At least Button will have a last hurrah. And we'll have to see whether Vandoorne manages to take points home, a 9th place in the grid sounds promising for at least a 10th place, considering Hamilton.

[dr-baker]

A shame that Alonso can't take Button's grid penalty at a race with more overtaking opportunities and a longer distance to cover...

[WeirdKerr]

A shame that Alonso can't take Button's grid penalty at a race with more overtaking opportunities and a longer distance to cover...

Pity he wasn't doing the Nürburgring 24 hour race this weekend.....

[CoopsII]

Great and timely result for Raikkonen but I can't help the feeling he'll lose position by turn 1. I hope I'm wrong.

Also, I wouldn't blame Button if he bins the car after a couple of laps saying "Stuff your sport with its stupid rules" and he'd be right.

[Enforcer]

So Vettel leapfrogs Raikkonen and of course Crofty can't stop bawwwing about it.

I wouldn't mind except he'd beside himself with delight if Mercedes leapfrogged Hamilton over Bottas in a race. Tit.

EDIT: He's still talking about it.

EDIT 2: Still talking about it.

[Enforcer]

Oh Stoffel...

And Perez's demolition job on Kvyat has just made a Palmer point a real possibility. Just need one more driver to have a visit from the Stupid Fairy.

[Henrique]

Kimi looks like a part of his soul died.

[UncreativeUsername37]

I believe Monaco was the last place with real flags... sad day for podiums.

[mario]

Kimi looks like a part of his soul died.

I'll be honest, I just had the feeling before the start that the only way that Kimi would be leaving this race with a win by his name was going to be if Vettel either retired or ended up stuck behind somebody else.

[Barbazza]

Nice of Jenson to tap into the general feeling of 'this race is bloody boring, let's make something happen' (In all serious though, glad that Wehrlein is OK) - the chain reaction of stupidity that followed livened things up no end.

Although I don't mind watching the C4 coverage (especially when EJ isn't present) I wish they'd stop their stupid habit of going to an ad break while the drivers are going up to the podium as THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOW THE CHAMPIONSHIP POSITIONS!!!!!

[Barbazza]

Benson's article on the race on the BBC website calls Vettel's win 'controversial'. Seriously....

a) What planet is this man on?
b) How much longer is he going to be allowed to waste public money spouting drivel like this?

[Enforcer]

Again, as I said above, it wouldn't bother me if, when Merc start openly favouring Hamilton (as they will have to at some stage), Crofty, Sky and the BBC will take the same attitude they have to Ferrari favouring Vettel. But they won't. They'll be delighted cos it's their boy Lewis getting the benefit.

Football journos on the BBC make an effort to not allow their articles to be clouded by what club they support, you'd hope the F1 journos would do likewise.

[Salamander]

Again, as I said above, it wouldn't bother me if, when Merc start openly favouring Hamilton (as they will have to at some stage), Crofty, Sky and the BBC will take the same attitude they have to Ferrari favouring Vettel. But they won't. They'll be delighted cos it's their boy Lewis getting the benefit.

Football journos on the BBC make an effort to not allow their articles to be clouded by what club they support, you'd hope the F1 journos would do likewise.

That's the problem with privately-owned media - Sky doesn't have to cater to anything they don't want to, which more often the not means nationalistic self-fellation at the expense of anything remotely resembling objectivity.

[Dj_bereta]

Triple DNF, McLaren Honda

[AndreaModa]

Liberty need to get Monaco off the same weekend as the Indy 500 pronto. I love Monaco, I love the spectacle and the race, but jeez having watched Indy from start to finish for the first time, the comparisons do not hold up well. They are two totally different products but you inevitably end up making comparisons. Not good for F1.

[Paul Hayes]

Oh dear. Such a shame Button made a pig's ear of that, but at least Wehrlein was okay and it gave us the hope there may be some excitement at the end of a disappointingly crap race.

I do wonder sometimes whether I'd prefer F1 without Monaco. When it's good it's very good, but that seems to happen so very rarely.

[IceG]

Awful, boring race. Was there a single succesful on-the-track overtake except Lewis on Stoffel off the line?

Wehrlein's crash looked terrible; if that thing had gone up in flames there is no way he or the marshals could have got him out. I thought it should have been an immediate red flag...

[Ataxia]

I don't understand why people are surprised that there weren't any overtakes. We've got wider cars. We've got more aero. We're on a circuit that's got less room than a London flat. Teams are naturally going to gravitate towards using strategic calls to make the difference rather than risk a collision by stuffing a fat car into a small gap.

The only way you'll get a good race at Monaco is if the guys at the front drop it into a wall in the early stages, or if there's rain. Otherwise, it's seventy-eight laps of some cars driving around a very pretty harbour.

[Nuppiz]

The new Haas livery actually reminded me of some of the last Brabhams (apart from the pink-blue monstrosity, of course) from the front. Grosjean even has the correct number!

[CoopsII]

The new Haas livery actually reminded me of some of the last Brabhams (apart from the pink-blue monstrosity, of course) from the front. Grosjean even has the correct number!

I was reminded of this...